I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.