My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
and now we wait
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Hank is one in a melon.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.