peep davidson
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.