6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*pronounces patio like ratio
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?