STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.