I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
🤔😂😂
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?