[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m awake but I object,
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.