Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade