The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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🙄😏😂🤣
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
They’re the worst 😩
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Yes
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.