My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
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Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Beauty and the Beast
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist