You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.