My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You Might Also Like
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words