They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
You are not alone 💚
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine