Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
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[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Once again not all heroes wear capes