No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020