HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Admin smashed it 😂
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*