Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
accurate
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I have questions??
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.