THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
#Caturday
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff