Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
President The Rock Obama
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature