I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF