My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children