A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you