*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Finally a use for spoilers…
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is