Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
🚲+physics = winner
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.