my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
We’ve come full circle
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Mornin
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.