Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
#parenting
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*