It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Well, this explains it:
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My beach vacation Google searches
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Maths meets science
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people