I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
multitasking lunch
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible