My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards