Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Just this preview of the story is enough
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.