Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
You had me at “define legal”.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog