[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat