Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I like donuts.
Twitter:
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.