Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Every time.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”