Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You Might Also Like
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀