Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.