How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?