My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness