Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Optional boss fight.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
my professor scared me for a second
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance