Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.