Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Living the best life.. 😊
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer