How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.