*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You Might Also Like
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing