Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Always
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Harsh but fair
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does