There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
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iPhone X
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful