Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I think we should hear other voices.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.