i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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Brb my Sims are getting married
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
i wish we could shoplift online
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
A wise man once said nothing.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.