Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other