me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.