My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
*seductively corrects your posture*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live